Who Are You?

On Sunday, Pastor made the comment, “What defines you?” I’m defined many different ways – through my gender, relationships, work, social activities. Sometimes the roles combine and the traits I bring to one are learned from another, like coming from large family allows me to function in environments with noise and confusion.   

As a parent, my children and I struggled as they were growing up with who gets to pick the role. Think 10 year old girl wanting to dress like 20 year old woman. Hmmm. Not happening. Mom got to decide this one. Or my 16 year old that graduated at an early age and was working, driving to Philly on I95. His employer got to decide that he was a grown man much to the consternation of his mother who learned of it as she asked, “How was your day today?”

Where I struggle with it now is with my adult daughter who has a disability. I want so much for her – including a life defined by things other than her disability. But she has her own thoughts on what defines her. So at times we’re at odds over how she’s defining herself. But is it my place to make these choices? Does her disability mean she gives up autonomy (freedom from external control or influence; independence)? My other children made choices I didn’t agree with and I’m sure I made some that made them roll their eyes. Even as progressive as I hope I am, I get caught in the trap of thinking I have the right to choose for her.

Another way this is manifested is when as a parent we have trouble letting them be defined apart from us. For example, when a person moves out of their family home and into a group home. Parents stay involved, sometimes too much. Who decides how the room is decorated or where they go on the weekend? There are no pat answers. And, believe me, I am not pointing a finger. These are areas I wrestle with. Do you? Is it hard for you to let them be a person apart from you with their own wants and choices?